Thursday, 20 May 2021

Signifance versus owning you shit

I have to admit I find people strange sometimes. I believe that no one likes being told that they have got something wrong, misunderstood or royally cocked up but I also think that no one has ever died from being told it either.

I regularly get things wrong for my kids and my husband and sometimes for my friends. It is not done maliciously (99% of the time!!) but whenever I am picked up on it, it upsets me. However, I still want to know when I have got or done, something wrong otherwise, how am I going to learn and grow as a person?

One of the 6 human needs is growth 

1. certainty

2. variety

3. significance

4. connection / love

5. growth 

6. contribution.

As a fundamental need, growth demands that we learn from our mistakes. Why do so many people I know not want to be told when they make mistakes but instead want to blame others for their 'failings?' I put failings in quotes there because we all make mistakes; we all fail; we all get things wrong but what we do about those mistakes is what is important. Hiding behind someone else; taking no responsibility for our actions or even worse, pointing the finger at someone else just doesn't make sense to me but it happens so flipping often.

The interesting thing about these human needs is that if your top need is for significance then there is a problem. As this business article states "the issue with significance is that no matter where we look we will always be able to find someone who is more significant than us". Tony Robbins, who came up with the idea in 2006, takes it further. He says to be significant it is easier to tear others down to get to the top. Even better though is to create a significant problem. This gives status that doesn't compete with other people like success does. If that significant problem aligns you with others who you connect with whilst tearing others down, even better!! You have significance, connection and very little chance of rejection. If you want to see what this looks like go and have a look over on Twitter!!

Anyway back to me!! 🤣

The last time I royally f*cked up was with my daughter. I cried on and off for a day before the deep feeling of shame passed. It was unpleasant, I lost sleep over what I had inadvertently done and it even affected my appetite but I am still here. I learnt a valuable lesson and the pain I felt means I am more likely to not make the same mistake again. My daughter knows that I felt guilty and upset over the pain I caused her but she forgave me, I apologised and I hope that I modelled to her that it is ok to get things 'wrong.'

So why do I see so many incidences of people not taking responsibility for their actions?

Why do I see people who have cheated on their partners, pointing the finger at their partner for their lack of emotional support or whatever fecking excuse being the reason it was ok for them to cheat?

Why do I see people claim abuse against their partner whilst ignoring their issues from childhood which have never been addressed and they're 'transferring' onto the partner? Why are these adults happy to pass those same issues on to their children as unresolved patterns

Why do I see children being used as pawns in broken relationships even though they never chose to be here?

Why do I see friends falling out over minor things because one side has to be wrong so the other person can be right?

It's not like someone is keeping score. It's not like you win a trophy for being the best divorcee who didn't cause any of the issues in the marriage. I won't ever win Friend of the Year if I always have to be right. I might actually lose some friends that way!!

I regularly apologise to my children for the 'issues' that I am still dealing with since my childhood. I am 4000% more whole having done shamanic work, spiritual healing, bodywork, emotional therapy, dreamwork, etc. but I still have bits of my personality that need upgrading. But a lot of that work has been since having my kids as they are that perfect mirror to reflect stuff from my own childhood!! Unfortunately, that means that they were impacted by who I was before I did that work. Although that's not fab for them, at least I am willing to take responsibility for that. 

As I said I don't jump up and down when people point out my flaws but at least if I acknowledge them I can decide what I do with them. If I pretend that I don't have flaws, they are still there somewhere affecting my life like gremlins hiding around the corner waiting for another opportunity to jump out. 

If your childhood left you feeling unlovable, ugly or 'wrong' in some way, those things need to be looked at and resolved so that they are not brought into any relationships whether friend, lover or parent. If you have feelings like low self-esteem, low self-worth, unlovability or any negative feelings about yourself and you think that your upbringing was part of the issue then I would highly recommend dealing with as much of that shit as possible before your parents die!! Trying to deal with it afterwards can be done but it isn't as easy.

So my advice is to own your shit whether you are sometimes shit as a friend, do shit things as a parent, or treat your partner like shit occasionally. When you see it for what it is you can avoid it because no one really wants to walk in shit and ignoring it doesn't make it any less shitty. 

The thing is:

you can't grow if you don't learn

but you can't learn if you take no fecking responsibility. 

Why would anyone want to be purely a victim of circumstance? Is it just that, as Tony Robbins suggests, victimhood makes you part of a significant group? 

If that is it then I hope that these ramblings of mine can maybe show that won't necessarily lead where you want to go in as healthy a way as owning your shit, learning from it and growing as a person. If it isn't then I still hope that these ramblings can help in some way.

Growth including learning from your mistakes

Connection & love and maybe believing we are all connected (watch filmmaker Tom Shadyac's reflective documentary I AM about how we can improve the world to find out more) &

Contribution beyond yourself: sharing your unique gifts with the world in a positive way are much better ways to go.

If you want to know more about the work I do to help you be more yourself and regain the power you might have lost as a child please book a session or book a call.

If you want to find out your dominant human need do this quiz here and if you want to listen to Tony talk about these needs go here and/or watching his TED Talk about it.

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