Friday, 25 June 2021

Comedy, legacy and memories

Photo by Monica Silvestre from Pexels
Photo by Monica Silvestre from Pexels
Grief affects everyone in different ways. It definitely seems that way to me with how my 3 brothers are processing my Dad's death and what I am doing about my feelings. 

If you have read previous posts of mine you will have seen some of the things that have helped me process his dying, death and his not being physically on this planet anymore. 

On 17th June I did my Thursday evening 'live' on FB and YouTube and talked about a fair number of things.

Here are some thoughts and links to some of the things I mentioned during that 'live' that have stuck in my mind for whatever reason since my Dad's terminal diagnosis in November 2019. 

Watching Daniel Sloss's comedy show Dark the weekend that my middle brother's family visited to see my Dad for one last time before he died. In this show he talks about death and offence so here is the link to the blog post I wrote about NOT taking offence 8 years ago To be or not to be offended... He has done other shows since that one but Dark and Jigsaw are on Netflix here. All his shows are worth watching as he has a great commentary on life - google him and see if you like him. If you don't watch his shows anyway and if you do, watch his shows (his latest is on HBO.)

I also talked about James Acaster 'cold lasagne hate myself 1999' - you can buy that here. As a family, we watched this recently which made me realise that I need to make the most of my small family unit being together as my son gets ready to go to University. My son leaving is just one of those life events that can bring up feelings like grief and loss from previous life events. This is something I have realised over the years especially if those emotions around loss are not acknowledged, accepted, processed, etc.

Being home educated my children spent a reasonable amount of time with my parents as we were free to visit Burton Agnes, Ilkley, Bridlington, or wherever they happened to be living, whenever we wanted. Even when my parents moved to York we were round there for tea, film watching, etc on a regular basis. My Dad is the first grandparent my children have lost. My Dad was around for Zack's 18th birthday; celebrated his GCSE results but he won't be here for his level 3 results or see him go to University. He wasn't here to celebrate Indie's 16th or see the Art and Design project they have just completed. I'm writing this here as a reminder of how quickly things change.I never thought my Dad wouldn't be here to see Indie turn 18. I am so glad that I have those memories of times walking along the front at Bridlington or lunches at Buffers near Bolton Abbey. Here is a reminder to everyone to create memories with friends and family and hold those memories dear for when times might be tougher or those people have moved on in whatever way.

I mentioned Bo Burnham in my 'live' too and this was my daughter's finding and so it was perfect timing that his 'Inside' Netflix special landed a few weeks ago. Grieving for my Dad during lockdown and restrictions was not easy. Obviously, I have no way of knowing whether it would have been 'better' with no COVID but it was tricky to not be able to visit places that we had been to lay that 'first visit without Dad' to rest; I have only visited the graveside once because it involves a significant drive and there was no family gathering last year and won't be this year where we can reminisce or maybe go to Bolton Abbey for the first time without Dad. 

Why I am writing this here is because the Bo Burnham special was such a fantastic reflection of those up and down emotions around life purpose, lockdown, separation from the 'norm' and loss in such a poignant and brutally honest way. It reminded me that I am human with all the wonderful, f**ked-up, fantastic and sometimes crippling emotional lows that go with that.

Weirdly enough I don't think any of these comedy shows would have been appreciated by my Dad. He loved a good comedy but these younger comedians would not have been his 'cup of tea.' However, they have helped me and my children navigate some emotional ups and downs since Dad's diagnosis and death.

If comedy isn't your bag though I would search for that experience or connection that mirrors to you that those of feelings of loss, grief, sadness, etc. are ok, part of life, to be experienced and felt, and even wallowed in. I wrote poetry, composed songs, did rituals and crazy ritualistic fundraiser activities. I used essential oils to support my grieving, did some learning around ancestry and journaled on what my dead ancestors would want for me for my life. I got angry at Dad for dying, celebrated that he was gone (as he would have hated lockdown), reminisced with my children about what he was like and agreed with my Mum that he really was a person "who was difficult to ignore." I hope I will continue to do these things with him in the background until the day I die. 

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If you are wanting any help with grieving over a lost loved one then there are also essential oils that are fantastic in helping with the process so a chat about that is also something I am more than happy to have with you. My free eBook and extra stuff are also available on my member site here

There is also a video I have done about essential oils and grieving here as well as two videos about using oils with emotions here and here