Thursday, 1 August 2019

Compare and Contrast poem

I hide behind you
But I didn't ask
I decided myself
To compare and contrast

You're thinner than me
Your hair is so wavy
You have so much drive
So much more than God gave me

Inside I roar, roar and compete
Inside I reel, I scream and deplete

Scored on a scale
I compare my abilities
Against those I see
I compare my agilities

In my own secret race, sprinting with no pace - maker
To keep me in check
To not stack my deck
Against myself my only competitor
But I imagine comparison life editors

I hide behind others
But I didn't ask
I'm the one who decided
To compare and contrast

Inside I hide, I hide and compete
Inside I'm raw and incomplete

Social media drowns me
Even when I don't look
Pervasive like disease
A comparison hook

Look at her, look at him
They're so together
They've done this, they've done that
Their pictures like heaven

Inside I'm confused
Inside I compete
Inside its torture
Inside I repeat

She's thinner and fitter
They're funnier and prettier
I contrast and compare
It's not rational
It's not fair

Look at him
Look at them
Look at her
I'm so numb

My brain keeps on whirring
Spewing out such vile thoughts
"You're worthless, you're lazy. Compared to them you're worth nought"
I try to be strong
Push those thoughts to the back
Then things pop up on my feed
And the gremlins spew black

"She gets way more loves
People comment for her
You're a fraud and a fake"
I'm nauseous and raw

I hide behind her
But I didn't ask
I allowed my inner voice
To compare and contrast

This comparison-itus
Is consuming my soul
A whirlwind of broken mirrors
And of media holes

Stop, breath and mind quiet
Stop, breath, halt the riot

Breath in the power
Breath in my soul
Stop the inner critic
Stop and take hold

I'm raw and complete
My soul purely me
Look inward and soul ward
Be comparison free

I'll let you be you
For I didn't ask
I'll hold on to me
No compare nor contrast

Monday, 1 July 2019

Primal scream / Primal slayer - shamanic journey in poetry

I have a shamanic spirit teacher that looks to me like the first slayer, Sineya from Buffy the Vampire Slayer so that is where the slayer reference comes from.

You face me, my mirror and soul
I am broken and tired, you are strong and whole
You say "Let go, let it all out"
I hold it in but want to shout
You continue "Let go, it's been too long. 
You're an adult now, the child has gone." 

I open my mouth, the tears they well
I let out the rage, I scream and yell
It goes on and on, a timeless bubble
Snot, spit, tears, rage uncontrollable

Then the magic begins
I watch it unfold
My memories spun
Webs of stories untold

My snot is mycelium
Running forever unseen
Unground networks of food
And hallucinogenic dreams

The spit from my roars
Falls to the ground
Springs up into grasses 
Trees and plants, all around

My rage fills the air
Heated, pure power
The atmosphere forms
An impenetrable barrier

My screams punch holes
In the sky, like spears
They become stars
That shines for years and years

As I scream and rage on
My feet stomp the ground
Cracks spread out forming
Caves and tall mounds
Mountain and valley
Dale and hill
Spring up all over
Allowing rivers to spill

From my tears that fall
And flow into seas
Forming lakes en route
As clear as my dreams

When spent, I collapse
And bigs spiders scurry
Enveloped in cocooning webs
They take my old memories

Weaving them into stories 
Of power, resilience and strength
My personality and uniqueness
Forming with each thread

I watch the magic unfurl
In the haze of my dreams
The landscape morphs
Moulded from my screams

Until I am the landscape
I am everywhere
My childhood and memories
Totally laid bare

A wondrous scene
Filled with colours unfolding
One of a kind, uniqueness
In stories untold, in
Patterns, nature, magic and music
Who knew old, rage-filled memories
Could become so perfect

My slayer now shimmers
A landscape of beauty
My mirror, my soul
That landscape is me

"Visit this place,
Tap into the power
When unhelpful memories invade
Remember each flower
There is no other like you
And never will be"
My slayer turns and smiles
And that primal being is me

Saturday, 29 June 2019

'Reclaiming myself' - shamanic journey in poetry

I have decided to start publishing the poems/prose that I get after going on a shamanic journey. I do not edit the poems after I receive them so they are published as given. I hope this will be the start of many such pieces of work. Enjoy and feel free to get in touch if you have any questions.

I am strapped to an A-frame
My life force slowly drained
Drip by drip, over time
Until nothing remains
An empty shell, I keep breathing
I am bewildered
This is my life, child to adult
So completely hindered

Skip to now
Reclaim joy, passion, power and purpose
Take my soul back, reclaim life
And run from this circus
The shadows, comparisons
My uniqueness, circle back
Time rewind and scramble
To consolidate lack

The abyss of this loss
Forgotten and black
Rewrite the story
Through lack and back to non-black

Light to show shadows
Magic to show dreams
Sleight of hand to become whole
And begin where we seem
To be now holding course
True to the game
But remember the past
no more the A-frame

Friday, 7 June 2019

How I am coping with emotions around cancer

Kingfisher wire birds, scenic pictures and slow mo paint photographs in a collage
Great artwork in Bexley Wing to lift the spirits
My Dad has just been diagnosed with liver cancer which is still a 'scary' cancer in my book. This is compared to my husband's testicular cancer which even back in 2009 was a 'non-scary' cancer.  

To be fair I still find the word 'cancer' scary whatever type it is but statistically speaking getting cancer of the liver is not good.

Bexley Wing Oncology Department, Leeds

When my husband was diagnosed he had his testicle removed and then had regular check-ups in Leeds. His cancer had not spread so he didn't need chemo and we were very happy when he was offered a place on a trial and was only required to undergo 3 MRIs over the 6 years he was followed-up. His family has a hereditary lean towards contracting colon cancer so keeping him away from any unnecessary radiation was important.

Over those 6 years though we spent enough time at Bexley Wing that when I then drove my parents there for my Dad's appointment last week, it brought back memories and not great memories, despite my husband's successful recovery.

How I am dealing with my emotions

There are many differences between the father of your young children having cancer and your Dad. Neither is easy, but I am a very different person to who I was 10 years ago. Following DH's diagnosis, both he and I attended the Hoffman Process which is a transformational process that gives you many tools to deal with life, relationships and unhelpful inherited patterns of behaviors. I feel I am a very different person to who I was, due to attending this course and having various techniques I can use when I need to, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. 

Shamanic Healing

After attending Hoffman I trained as a shamanic practitioner and had many shamanic healings and soul retrievals over the course of my 5 years of training and since, which means I feel 'more' me and am more able to deal with my emotions and handle these kinds of stressful situations. I feel more able to accept my emotions and thoughts when life takes a 'turn' that maybe I was not expecting and I can use my shamanism tools to tap into power, peace and ground myself when I feel that is needed. 

Shamanism has changed my life and I feel privileged to be able to offer others healing sessions where they too can become empowered and more connected to their authentic selves. 

Essential Oils

I discovered essential oils in 2017 and they are my favourite way of dealing life when there are strong emotions around just because they are easy to use. I carry small bottles of different oils everywhere I go and also have roller-balls made up with different potions that I wear like perfume. There are emotional blends that are my go-to favourites in times of stress or upset but to honest any great smelling essential oil will lift the spirits. Smell has a direct access to the limbic (emotional) seat of the brain so there are always positives to breathing in essential oils.

WhatsApp - SOS

I also love the WhatApps broadcast ability. This means I can send a message out to my friends just telling them how things are for me. Even if I am just having a wobbly and don't know why I can send a little message letting them know. This group of friends, who I class as being in in my (SOS) Circle of Support group, know that when I feel down, I send out an SOS and they can respond with an emoji or just a thumbs up. I always get something back from at least one of them but the important thing is that I know I am in their thoughts and I know they have my back. 

Contact me

If you want to know more about anything I have talked about here please get in touch with me:

Monday, 25 March 2019

How I went from bent to straight!!

Spiral of oil bottles
My friend's cancer got me into essential oils. She had had 2 re-occurrences of breast cancer and she wanted a decent quality Frankincense to add to her natural health regime. We found doTERRA and an AMAZING frankincense. My friend hasn't had a reoccurrence since and is an avid sharer of all doTERRA products.

(I did a Facebook 'live' about it on my Essentially Shamanic Facebook page which you can view here)

My friend and I shared the cost of a doTERRA enrolment kit but soon realised that we both needed more oils each so she then got her own account - that is how good they are. Here is what really sold me on the oils though:

Wonky Viv

No more antibiotics for Indie

I home educate my children and we have various other children in and out of the house on a regular basis, with or without infections. Whenever someone got ill my daughter would fall ill too and it would ALWAYS affect her lungs. Nothing helped and she would end up on antibiotics more times than I was happy with. After getting the oils we would diffuse OnGuard (a protective oil blend) any time people came over and quickly I purchased another diffuser for her room so that she could diffuse either OnGuard or Air (a respiratory oil blend.) She hasn't been on antibiotics since.

Wonky Viv can run again

I am now back to running because of Deep Blue (a soothing oil blend.) I use it religiously every morning and night, and additionally before and after exercise. I haven't seized up since joining doTERRA and, as you can see from the picture (where I am standing as straight as I can), that is great for me.

Top tip - if I think I am going to seize up I use marjoram which is an anti-spasmodic but generally if I methodical with the deep blue, that doesn't happen

Essential Oils help with emotions too

Anyway, there are so many other ways these amazing oils have helped my family - reducing anxiety in my son when he started college, helping my husband get better sleep, stopping me getting migraines, helping me stay motivated when exercising, and so many, many more. The oils are also AMAZING for helping me when I feel 'Mum guilt' - but more on that later!!

Get in touch with me and ask me any questions

I will be adding more uses in future blog posts but if you want to know more please get in touch either via Facebook, on my Facebook business page (where I do weekly Monday Live Moments or MLMs!!); go and check out my latest Natural Health Solution classes or visit my webpage. I am here to help in any way I can because I wish I had known about these amazing gifts of the earth sooner!!

Sunday, 27 January 2019

Not a New Year's Resolution

I don’t really do new year’s resolutions but this year I am going to be fitter. In one of my Facebook ‘lives’ a few weeks ago I talked about this along with accountability and a term I learned from permaculture called stacking. (Watch that 'live' here- 

Last year my husband started doing the York Park Run (Saturday morning 9am starting near Cherry Lane car park) regularly. The route is marked out on the pavement so it is a really good place to measure your distance and time if that is your thing (it is mine as I like a little competition with myself.) Also if you join the Park Run organisation you can add freedom runs, that you do at any time, even if you never get to one of their events.  

As someone who tends to get in my own way when trying to integrate new things into my life, I thought I would love to ‘stack’ this element of my life so that I did not feel I should or could be doing something else. I also wanted accountability to keep doing it. 'Stacking' basically means getting more yields (outputs) from one element of your life. So with regards to my health wouldn’t it be great if I could improve my physical health whilst also gaining something else. That thing I decided was inviting any friends or acquaintances to join me and therefore getting fit whilst having fun and socialising. Don’t get me wrong I love having a coffee at a friend’s house or at a cafĂ© or nights out but sometimes life is too busy to fit that in along with everything else. So why not chat whilst walking? Everyone benefits health wise and you get to chat/connect/share. So far I have done that 5k with my Mum, my friend Donna and another friend Sarah and I have loved every minute of it even though I am not a huge fan of exercise.  

Doing this also taught me something else about myself. I am someone who likes to just rush into whatever I am doing even though I know that very often preparation can really help. Abraham Lincoln said it well "Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening my axe."  
So I did my first 5k walk with my dear husband Dave on 1st January and we did it in 52m 57s. So the next time I went I wanted to do it faster but I overdid the fast walking and I had also forgotten to put on my soothing blend cream which is great preparation for any exercise. My Mum, friend and I got 2k around the course and I had to stop to apply my soothing blend (thank goodness I had remembered it!!) and then had to complete the rest in a slower manner. 

So I now have my preparation routine set:
1. Marjoram essential oil on my back in case I go into spasm (at the same time as my morning application of deodorant)
2. Soothing blend on my back and all over my legs (at the same time as I apply to my back every morning anyway)
3. Soothing blend soaked Epsom salts ready for a relaxing bath sometime later in the day so I don’t have to think about it - done when the salts run out 

It works a treat!! I did a joggle (new term for walk, jog, walk, walk, jog, etc.) 5k yesterday with Sarah and no aches and pains today because I remembered my preparation routine. 

I also did some EFT tapping on the way to the course from the car. “Even though I believe that I am not a runner, I totally choose to have fun and trust my body to know how to run with ease.” None of these things took any real extra time although I may have looked a bit silly tapping my face on the way from the car to the start of the parkrun. No aches and pains on the way around and no aches and pains today (the day after.)

So basically if you can find a way to ‘stack’ your functions and get more yield out of your inputs do it. Be creative.  When there feels like there isn’t enough time in life find creative ways to get more out of what you do. Build exercise into your life and invite friends to join you; do some stretches in the morning when you brush your teeth; do pelvic floor exercises when you drive the car; dance when you make the dinner; if you are self-employed share your home and have some ‘hoffice’ days with friends who are also self-employed so at coffee breaks you can share ideas or not feel as lonely and you have an accountability partner there in your home. Do this in a positive way so it adds value. There are so many ways to squeeze more stuff into the time we have without it being a chore. Would love to know your ideas...come share with me on Facebook.

Wednesday, 8 November 2017

The positives of having a cold

Seriously, is there a positive to having a nasty cold?

When you are experiencing it sometimes it feels not.

However, I thought I would turn those feelings on their head and see where I ended up!!

Here goes........................

I have tried really hard, and quite successfully until this last weekend, to NOT get a cold. It is the season to be coming down with something at the moment whether it be a cold, stomach flu, etc.

My dh got the horrid cold last week and I still managed to avoid it. I am generally a healthy person and having recently started using essential oils (EOs) via doTERRA, I have found diffusing their protective blend, drinking lots of water with their lemon oil to alkalise my body, as well as other things, has greatly improved mine (and my family's) health.

The irony is that because I was preparing for my first outing as a doTERRA wellness advocate, some of these routines went by the wayside: I was going to Wakefield Vegan Festival to share oils and hopefully empower others to look after themselves with EOs as part of their health regimen and I was forgetting to take that advice myself.

How often does that happen?

Anyway ,Sunday came and so did a cold - straight to my throat. I was so annoyed because I find it SO MUCH EASIER to prevent an illness than GET RID of it once I have it. Also ,I have no tonsils (they were removed on my 19th birthday!!) so anything that goes to my throat makes me very annoyed as it brings back memories of many, many attacks of tonsillitis but also it tends to then go to my chest.

So how to get rid of a sore throat and not have my infection go to my chest?

I am relatively new to using essential oils but I have some great books I bought from Essentoils and there is also a wealth of information out there from other EO people via Instragram, etc.

I ended up with this combination:
1. Lots of water with lemon and peppermint.
2. Healthy snacks like apple with On Guard oil (wild orange peel, clove bud, cinnamon leaf, cinnamon bark, eucalyptus leaf and rosemary) diluted with coconut oil.
3. And then other oils to combat the illness internally.

That stopped the sore throat in its tracks - SUCCESS. Now I just have a runny nose which will pass in time if I keep looking after myself.

However, it hasn't all been about EOs. They are foremost in my mind because as a geek I like to try and see what works but also the best way for me to try and share the oils with others is to practice what I preach. However, I also took the opportunity to clear my decks of everything that I could this week and take some time for myself.

I am a person who does a lot of stuff (by choice) but I do forget sometimes that the energy required to have a full life also requires time to just be.

It has been great to rest, do some shamanic journeys, use my oils in new ways, read a new book, re-read an old book, mind-map ideas, listen to webinars, do a bit of planning for the future and write this blog post.

So maybe it wasn't just my 'not looking after myself' that meant I ended up ill. Maybe, as we all do, I needed the excuse to slow down and take some time out. However, in the future I am going to try to:

1. remember to plan taking time out
2. remember my daily health routine
3. NOT get ill

If I fail again though, I will count it as a blessing and take the time to slow down, reconnect with myself, sleep and dream.

Monday, 20 March 2017

February & March 2017 Monthly Moments

Obviously I am stunningly biased against schooling (in the favour of home educating) for this very reason but this is always great to see it being said again in slightly different words by someone new. In the age of robots, schools are teaching our children to be redundant by George Monbiot.

And here's another one The Secret of Happy Children - Get rid of teachers and ban homework. Again interesting ideas about why schooling is making children tired and things could be improved for everyone pretty easily.

Similar things have been said by Ken Robinson (some of them over TEN years ago) in his fabulous TED talks - Do schools kill creativity?, Bring on the Learning Revolution and my personal favourite RSA Animate video Changing education paradigms which everyone should watch for the fantastic animation alone!!

Interesting article about raising "good" kids which once you get over the "good" in the title is really worth reading.

And now onto something completely different for those crafty people out there:

I am trying to knit my first pair of socks with proper sock yarn at present and this wonderful page has demystified all the weird 'turn heel', 'heel flap', etc. stuff which is great. Then I am using this pattern and there is a whole tutorial which goes with it which is also fantastic!! I love the internet!!

Also here is a great reminder about how social media is taking over with a great Lion King parody by Dustin and Genevieve.

Recently I have found myself getting fed up with Facebook as there seems to be a lot of advertising courses but also because I can not keep up with the number of people posting. There is also the studies now that are showing that social media is now increasing loneliness and envy and reading the article in The Telegraph resonated with me. One of my resolutions for this year was to try and see the people I love face to face and really connect. I know that isn't easy to do but so far it is going quite well and I am enjoying the more intimate connection I get from that.